As I have ministered to casualties of abuse, I have found that victims readily recognize the characteristics of abusive relationships. Unfortunately, they often saw these distinguishing traits in their abusers, but ignored them until it was too late. At some level they overlooked the other person’s outrageous behavior because it seemed normal to them. What was almost universal was that even though they understood the characteristics of abusive people, they made excuses for them, explained them away, or became angry with the abuser, but didn’t realize that they deserved something better.
In many cases wounded survivors were oblivious to what the characteristics of healthy relationships were. These victims of destructive, turbulent relations were often shocked and even confused when I told them they deserved to be treated with respect. Because of this, I have compiled a list of both healthy and unhealthy characteristics. If everyone read these before getting married they could save themselves a great deal of heartache, both for themselves and their (future) children. Furthermore, everyone who has come out of a dysfunctional relationship needs to become familiar with the traits of healthy associations and understand that you should expect someone to treat you with respect and dignity.
Also, if you recognize some of these unhealthy characteristics in yourself, don’t make excuses for them, but rather expose, repent, and work to overcome these traits, both for your own spiritual growth and for the peace and happiness of those you love.
Healthy Relationships
Below is a partial list of healthy characteristics for any relationship, and everyone deserves to experience these traits in other people.
- Mutual respect, which means that each person appreciates and cherishes the other. No one should put the other down, especially in the presence of others.
- Respecting boundaries, which means the other person should respect your boundaries just as you respect theirs. Have enough respect to allow another person to convey their point of view without demanding others agree with you.
- Honesty, which needs to be mutual open communication. Just as you allow others to speak freely, they must also allow you to speak what is on your mind.
- Trust. This is built not only by our actions, but by steadfast honesty.
- Anger management, which doesn’t mean a person never gets angry, but that they deal with it in a healthy way. This means they might need to take a break for a while and cool off. If an argument comes up, everyone needs to still be respectful (no insults), courteous, and stay with the issue at hand, not dredging up unrelated issues from the past.
- Build up each other, never tear down. Constructive criticism is always helpful, but it must be constructive and not destructive.
- Empathy Try to understand what someone else may be feeling. If they are going through a stressful time, be there for them.
- Forgive. None of us is perfect, we all need forgiveness, and we all need to forgive. Holding grudges can destroy relationships.
- Mutual compromise. Neither person should always get their way, there should be some give and take. This does not mean compromising who you are or what you believe. Understanding and validating what a person is saying doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you respect their opinion – you can agree to disagree.
- Freedom to continue doing the things you love, seeing family and friends, making new friends, and engaging in old or new interests.
Unhealthy Relationships
There are certain characteristics of abusers we should all be aware of. Below is a partial list:
- They like to build up their own ego by verbally putting their victim down.
- They talk over you, ignore whatever you say, put down your opinions and accomplishments, or instantly nullify anything you say, with the underlying message that you are worthless.
- They dehumanize you with their words and/or actions.
- They verbally bash or demean their victims, humiliate and insult them and call them names.
- They refuse to accept responsibility for their actions or behavior.
- When they make a mistake they cover it up or minimalize it, but if their victim makes even a tiny mistake they descend on them, using it as an excuse to attack and chastise them, often taking something insignificant and exaggerating it, adding to it elements that are not present in an effort to make it seem even worse, and blowing it up into a major dilemma.
- They have unrealistic expectations, and when their victim doesn’t meet those expectations, they use it as an excuse to attack.
- If confronted for abuse they will adamantly deny it, but if they cannot deny it (i.e. they get caught in the act or there is undeniable evidence), then they try to minimize it with their words.
- They try to look good to others. Sometimes they align themselves with a church or some organization with a good reputation. They use their “good” status as a shield against any possible accusations from their victims.
- They lie to cover their deeds, and lie to discredit their victims. Truth is at best ignored, and at worst, attacked. To protect themselves and maintain their lies, they will threaten or bully anyone who questions their integrity.
- They have a strict code of silence. No one is to confront them for their behavior, least of all their victims. This code of silence is often enforced by violence.
- They malign their victims by calling them liars and mentally ill, and putting other derogatory labels on them, in an attempt to discredit anything they might say about being abused.
- They try to get other people on their side to bolster their cause, to help them in maligning their victim.
- They bully, threaten and intimidate their victims, and sometimes use physical violence.
- They have a serious anger management problem, a volatile, unpredictable temper and fits of rage. They use this anger and rage to control others, often launching into physical or verbal attacks. They always justify these attacks.
- They are skilled at playing mind rape games.
- They can be extremely jealous.
- They show great anger and hatred towards their victim.
- They blame their victim for causing them to lose their temper and do harm.
- They blame their victim for anything that goes wrong, using them as a scapegoat.
- They blame other people for any of their problems.
- They can have severe, unpredictable mood swings.
- They’re extremely judgmental towards their victims, and constantly criticizing them.
- They destroy or throw away your belongings.
- They attempt to control their victim, including controlling their money, where they go and what they do, who they have as friends, and even what they say.
- They project their iniquities onto their victims, then shout at, scold, and condemn their victims for what they themselves do.
- They try to isolate their victims from friends and relatives.
- They can’t take what they dish out. They cannot tolerate even a little bit of the abuse they themselves perpetrate on their victims.
- They are extremely selfish. They tend to think of no one but themselves.
- They are often paranoid.
- They are often emotionally arrested, and immature.
- They violate boundaries, and do not respect others.
- Although they do not respect others, they aggressively demand respect for themselves, even to the point of threats and violence.
It is important to understand that anyone can have a bad day, or be going through a difficult time, and display some of the above characteristics. That is not the same as someone who consistently engages in such behavior. If you are around people who routinely display any of these characteristics, seek help.